The Michaels family owned a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border. Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for generations. Mrs. Michaels, who had just celebrated her ninetieth birthday, lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren.
One day, her son came into her room holding a letter. "I just got some news, Mom," he said. "The government has come to an agreement with the people in Washington. They've decided that our land is really part of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?"
"What do I think?" his mother said. "Jump at it! Call them right now and tell them we accept! I don't think I could stand another one of those Canadian winters!"
Saturday, February 20, 2010
The box
One day long ago, a man and woman got married. The man told the woman that there would always be a box under the bed but to never look into it. So they were married for 40 years and the woman never looked in the box. On the morning of their 40th anniversary, the wife looked in the box. In the box, there was about 300 dollars in small bills, and 3 empty beer bottles. At dinner that evening, the woman just had to ask. So she did, she asked "what are those beer bottles for, you know, in the box under the bed?" The man said, oh no, you looked. OK, Every time I've been unfaithful to you, I chugged a beer and put it in the box.
The wife says, well for forty years, that's not so bad. At night, the woman was having a bad night, she could not get to sleep, something was bugging her. Then she remembered. She shook awake her husband and asked, what was the money for, though. The guy says, what? The lady says, you know, the money in the box. The guy says, well, every time the box filled up, I took it in and got money for the bottles.
The wife says, well for forty years, that's not so bad. At night, the woman was having a bad night, she could not get to sleep, something was bugging her. Then she remembered. She shook awake her husband and asked, what was the money for, though. The guy says, what? The lady says, you know, the money in the box. The guy says, well, every time the box filled up, I took it in and got money for the bottles.
50 year sentence
A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks if he's getting sentimental because they're celebrating 50 wonderful years together.
He replies, No, I was thinking about the time before we got married. Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he'd have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn't marry you. Tomorrow I would've been a free man!
He replies, No, I was thinking about the time before we got married. Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he'd have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn't marry you. Tomorrow I would've been a free man!
Thursday, February 18, 2010
The things kids say
1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'
2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'
3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'
4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'
5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'
6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.
'It sure is,' I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'
7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers & wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'
8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'
'And why not, darling?'
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'
9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)
10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother.. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'
11) BIBLE (I love this one)
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.
'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'
2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'
3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'
4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'
5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'
6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.
'It sure is,' I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'
7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers & wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'
8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'
'And why not, darling?'
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'
9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)
10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother.. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'
11) BIBLE (I love this one)
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.
'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
A man's World
You know you're in a man's ideal world when:
-- Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.
-- Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response To "I love you."
-- When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
-- Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the backside and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.
-- Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the football team of your choice.
-- At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
-- Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"
-- It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
-- Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.
-- Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response To "I love you."
-- When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
-- Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the backside and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.
-- Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the football team of your choice.
-- At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
-- Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"
-- It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
Never Sick
Grandma Jones from the valley had never experienced a sick day in her life, so she didn't take it kindly when a bad case of the mulligrubs sent her to the hospital for observation.
By the time a pair of husky interns got Grandma tucked into bed, she had managed to complain about everything: the temperature, the lights, the skimpy gown, the food and the mattress, especially, the mattress.
Suddenly, Grandma spotted a small plastic item with a button, attached to a cord. "What's that?" she demanded.
"If you need anything in the middle of the night, Grandma," said one of the interns, "just press that button."
"What does it do, ring a bell?" she asked.
"No, it turns on a light in the hall for the nurse on duty," the intern replied.
"A light in the hall?" responded Grandma. "Look, I'm the sick one around here. If the night nurse needs a light on in the hall, she can get up and switch it on herself."
By the time a pair of husky interns got Grandma tucked into bed, she had managed to complain about everything: the temperature, the lights, the skimpy gown, the food and the mattress, especially, the mattress.
Suddenly, Grandma spotted a small plastic item with a button, attached to a cord. "What's that?" she demanded.
"If you need anything in the middle of the night, Grandma," said one of the interns, "just press that button."
"What does it do, ring a bell?" she asked.
"No, it turns on a light in the hall for the nurse on duty," the intern replied.
"A light in the hall?" responded Grandma. "Look, I'm the sick one around here. If the night nurse needs a light on in the hall, she can get up and switch it on herself."
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Craziest and Funniest Status Updates on Facebook Today
Raila suspends Ruto and Prof Ongeri when Kibaki (the head teacher) is alseep.The headteacher wakes up and says the Raila is a mere class prefect whose duty is to write the names of those making noise. He rubbishes the suspension and orders the students back to class.......I hope the prefect doesn't burn the school because has tried it in the past.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
I starred in a THRILLER DRAMA, as a guy trying to dodge being the Valentine for several girls...then I was the main xter in a ROMANCE flick, the scene being at a candle lit dinner... then for the rest of the night, I was acting out a PORN movie. Howzzat!!??
I have learnt that men withdraw on Fridays and women deposit on Mondays!!!!!!!
Hold it gently, put2fingerz, if dey dont fit, fos dem in, if de hole's big enough, put3, muv up & down, slowly... Ooh yes... Can u fil it? Dats how you wash a glass.! ! !
Tell them I've been 2fucking busy - or vice versa.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but whips and chains excite me!
Friday, February 12, 2010
The best valentine present
A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for valentines.
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Image:Arsenal somebody loves u again
After beating Liverpool 1-0 Arsenal fans are back with their love. Or was it meant to a early invitation for valentines. I assume so.
Wenger can go home and have lunch or is it super i can't remember where he stopped but i will absolutely check.
All my regards to Benitez and his Liverpool boys you now take up the cross . You thought you were like Drogba you would face the referee, he is black dahhh!
Fabregas we saw you your hand is to ...... catching. Lucky this time, we are watching. Love is back and lucky this time you do not have no mourn no fan committed suicide. Bye
Wenger can go home and have lunch or is it super i can't remember where he stopped but i will absolutely check.
All my regards to Benitez and his Liverpool boys you now take up the cross . You thought you were like Drogba you would face the referee, he is black dahhh!
Fabregas we saw you your hand is to ...... catching. Lucky this time, we are watching. Love is back and lucky this time you do not have no mourn no fan committed suicide. Bye
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Why are you late
"Late again!!" the third-grade teacher sternly said to little Sammy.
"It ain't my fault this time, Miss Crabtree. You can blame this un on my Daddy. The reason I'm three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!"
Now, Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years. Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Sammy what he meant by that. Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Sammy and trouble were old friends, but he always told her the truth.
"You see, Miss Crabtree, out at the ranch we got this here low down coyote. The last few nights, he done ate six hens and killed Ma's best milk goat. Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the
chicken pen, he grabbed his shot gun and said to my Ma, "That coyote's back again, I'm a gonna git him!''
"Stay back," Daddy whispered to all us kids.
"My Daddy was naked as a jaybird -- no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then, he stuck that double barreled 12 gauge shot gun through the window of the coop.
"As he stared into the darkness, with coyotes on his mind, our old hound dog, Rip, had done gone and woke up and comes sneaking up behind Daddy. Then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old Rip done went and stuck his cold nose in my Daddy's crack!
Miss Crabtree, we all been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin! more
"It ain't my fault this time, Miss Crabtree. You can blame this un on my Daddy. The reason I'm three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!"
Now, Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years. Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Sammy what he meant by that. Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Sammy and trouble were old friends, but he always told her the truth.
"You see, Miss Crabtree, out at the ranch we got this here low down coyote. The last few nights, he done ate six hens and killed Ma's best milk goat. Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the
chicken pen, he grabbed his shot gun and said to my Ma, "That coyote's back again, I'm a gonna git him!''
"Stay back," Daddy whispered to all us kids.
"My Daddy was naked as a jaybird -- no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then, he stuck that double barreled 12 gauge shot gun through the window of the coop.
"As he stared into the darkness, with coyotes on his mind, our old hound dog, Rip, had done gone and woke up and comes sneaking up behind Daddy. Then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old Rip done went and stuck his cold nose in my Daddy's crack!
Miss Crabtree, we all been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin! more
A Prayer for daddy
A Prayer for daddy
"Dear God, this year please send some clothes for all those poor ladies in Daddy's computer,
Amen.
"Dear God, this year please send some clothes for all those poor ladies in Daddy's computer,
Amen.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Third Door
The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!" more
High am so high
He is majoring in hightrousacy! What is this
Swim Swap
You can remove a meru from meru but cannot remove the meru out of him. You shrub on a poster and even think of spending some bucks to replace like you are advising as to.
I thought swap and replacement are about the same thing,Dem!
I thought swap and replacement are about the same thing,Dem!
10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
death of Arsenal
The fed are currently for the red devils for crime of passion they committed. It is believed he had white injuries on their and appeared as AIG. If you have happened to the red devil please report to your immediate browser and type spotill.com
We Need Fggs
A man runs to the doctor and says ,"Doctor,you're got to help me, My wife thinks she's a chicken!"
The doctor asks ,"How long was she had this condition?"
"Two years." says the man.
"Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?"asked the doctor.
The man shrugs his shoulders and replies,"We needed the eggs".
Friday, January 29, 2010
Craziest thoughts for today
At a movie theater which arm rest is yours?
What is Satan's last name?
Why do doctors leave the room when you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
Where does the toetag go on a dead person if they don't have toes?
If your driving a federal owned car, and you run a stop sign, is it considered a felony?
Why is there a disclaimer on the Allstate Auto Insurance commericals that says "Not available in all states"?
If you dug a hole through the center of the earth,and jumped in, would you stay at the center because of gravity?
If a person dies and then springs back to life, do they get their money back for the coffin?
If you are asked to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth and your the main witness, what if you say "no"?
Do they bury people with their braces on?
How far east can you go before you're heading west?
How does a Real Estate company sell its office without causing confusion?
Do dentists go to other dentists or do they just do it themselves?
If, in a baseball game, the batter hits a ball splitting it right down the center with half the ball flying out of the park and the other half being caught, what is the final ruling?
What is Satan's last name?
Why do doctors leave the room when you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
Where does the toetag go on a dead person if they don't have toes?
If your driving a federal owned car, and you run a stop sign, is it considered a felony?
Why is there a disclaimer on the Allstate Auto Insurance commericals that says "Not available in all states"?
If you dug a hole through the center of the earth,and jumped in, would you stay at the center because of gravity?
If a person dies and then springs back to life, do they get their money back for the coffin?
If you are asked to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth and your the main witness, what if you say "no"?
Do they bury people with their braces on?
How far east can you go before you're heading west?
How does a Real Estate company sell its office without causing confusion?
Do dentists go to other dentists or do they just do it themselves?
If, in a baseball game, the batter hits a ball splitting it right down the center with half the ball flying out of the park and the other half being caught, what is the final ruling?
Equations
Equation 1
Human = eat + sleep + work + enjoy
Donkey = eat + Sleep
Therefore
Human = Donkey + work + enjoy
Therefore
Human – enjoy = Donkey + work
In Other words,
Human that doesn't enjoy = Donkey that works.
Equation 2
Men = eat + sleep + earn money
Donkey = eat + sleep
Therefore:
Men = Donkey + earn money
Therefore:
Men – earn money = Donkey
In other words,
Man who doesn't earn money = Donkey
Equation 3
Women = eat + sleep + spend
Donkey = eat + sleep
Therefore:
Women = Donkey + spend
Women- spend = Donkey
In other words,
Woman who doesn't spend = Donkey
To Conclude:
From equation 2 and 3
Men who don't earn money = Women who don't spend
So
Men earn money not to let women became donkeys
And women spend not to let men become donkeys
So we have:
Men+ women = Donkey + earn money + Donkey + spend money
Therefore from postulates 1 & 2, we can conclude
Men + women = 2 Donkeys that live happily together!!!! !!!!!!
No Excuse
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'
Thursday, January 28, 2010
What so amazing about the new iPad
Well, Apple did it again…they combined the iPhone with a Netbook and came up with the middle ground of an iPad. Price: estimated $499US. It has a 9.7 in screen, weighs 1.5 pounds, has Wi-Fi with a 3G option, and claims to have up to 10 hours of battery life. It also uses the ePub format for books and, according to Apple CEO Steve Jobs, seeing as the iPad is running the iPhone OS, the iPad works with “almost all” iPhone apps you can find in the App Store.
All of the built-in apps on iPad were designed from the ground up to take advantage of the large Multi-Touch screen. And they work in any orientation. So you can do things with these that apps you can’t do on any other device. Read full and more images
Jake is struggling through a bus station
Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks "Have you got the time?"
Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. "It's a quarter to six," he says.
"Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger.
Jake brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out" - and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropoli. He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says "The time is eleven 'til six" in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Jake continues "I've put in regional accents for each city". The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding.
The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. "That's not all," says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very hi-resolution map of New York City appears on the display. "The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning," explains Jake. "View recede ten," Jake says, and the display changes to show eastern New York state.
"I want to buy this watch!" says the stranger.
"Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs," says the inventor. "But look at this," and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books," though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far" says Jake.
"I've got to have this watch!" says the stranger.
"No, you don't understand; it's not ready."
"I'll give you $1000 for it!"
"Oh, no, I've already spent more than that."
"I'll give you $5000 for it!"
"But it's just not fair."
"I'll give you $15,000 for it!" And the stranger pulls out a checkbook. Jake stops to think. He's only put about $8500 into materials and development, and with $15 000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only six months. The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. "Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave it." Jake abruptly makes his decision. "OK," he says and peels off the watch. They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away.
"Hey, wait a minute," calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around warily. Jake points to the two suitcases he'd been trying to wrestle through the bus station. "Don't forget your batteries." more
Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. "It's a quarter to six," he says.
"Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger.
Jake brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out" - and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropoli. He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says "The time is eleven 'til six" in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Jake continues "I've put in regional accents for each city". The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding.
The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. "That's not all," says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very hi-resolution map of New York City appears on the display. "The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning," explains Jake. "View recede ten," Jake says, and the display changes to show eastern New York state.
"I want to buy this watch!" says the stranger.
"Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs," says the inventor. "But look at this," and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books," though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far" says Jake.
"I've got to have this watch!" says the stranger.
"No, you don't understand; it's not ready."
"I'll give you $1000 for it!"
"Oh, no, I've already spent more than that."
"I'll give you $5000 for it!"
"But it's just not fair."
"I'll give you $15,000 for it!" And the stranger pulls out a checkbook. Jake stops to think. He's only put about $8500 into materials and development, and with $15 000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only six months. The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. "Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave it." Jake abruptly makes his decision. "OK," he says and peels off the watch. They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away.
"Hey, wait a minute," calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around warily. Jake points to the two suitcases he'd been trying to wrestle through the bus station. "Don't forget your batteries." more
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Beers For Geeks
DOS Beer:
Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz can, but now comes in a 16-oz can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2-oz each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.
MAC Beer:
At first, came only in a 16-oz can, but now comes in a 32-oz can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the waste bin.
Windows 95 Beer:
The world's most popular beer. Comes in a 16-oz can that looks a lot like Mac Beer's. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for no apparent reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.
Windows 98 Beer:
See Windows 95 beer above. About the same but Windows 98 beer creates less gas and makes you crash less.
Windows 2000 Beer:
A new beer on the market. A lot of people have taste tested it and claim it's wonderful. The can looks like Mac and OS/2 Beer's can, but tastes like Windows 95/98 Beer. It comes in 32-oz cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16-oz of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 95/98 Beer until their friends try Windows 2000 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS and Mac Beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.
Windows NT Beer:
Comes in 32-oz cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes most people to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 95 Beer's, but the company promises to change the can to look like Windows 2000 Beer's, after Windows 2000 Beer starts shipping well. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars.
Unix Beer:
Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8-oz to 64-oz. Drinkers on Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener around for these occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of instructions, or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years...
AmigaOS Beer:
The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import. This beer never really sold very well, because the original manufacturer didn't understand marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud group. it originally came in a 16-oz can, but now comes in 32-oz cans too. When this can was originally introduced, it appeared flashy and colorful, but the design hasn't changed much over the years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway.
more
Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz can, but now comes in a 16-oz can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2-oz each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.
MAC Beer:
At first, came only in a 16-oz can, but now comes in a 32-oz can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the waste bin.
Windows 95 Beer:
The world's most popular beer. Comes in a 16-oz can that looks a lot like Mac Beer's. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for no apparent reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.
Windows 98 Beer:
See Windows 95 beer above. About the same but Windows 98 beer creates less gas and makes you crash less.
Windows 2000 Beer:
A new beer on the market. A lot of people have taste tested it and claim it's wonderful. The can looks like Mac and OS/2 Beer's can, but tastes like Windows 95/98 Beer. It comes in 32-oz cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16-oz of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 95/98 Beer until their friends try Windows 2000 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS and Mac Beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.
Windows NT Beer:
Comes in 32-oz cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes most people to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 95 Beer's, but the company promises to change the can to look like Windows 2000 Beer's, after Windows 2000 Beer starts shipping well. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars.
Unix Beer:
Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8-oz to 64-oz. Drinkers on Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener around for these occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of instructions, or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years...
AmigaOS Beer:
The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import. This beer never really sold very well, because the original manufacturer didn't understand marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud group. it originally came in a 16-oz can, but now comes in 32-oz cans too. When this can was originally introduced, it appeared flashy and colorful, but the design hasn't changed much over the years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway.
more
Three men were sitting in a bar talking about how whipped they had their wives.
The first two kept bragging about how they could get their wives to do anything.
They looked at the third man and he said, "I have my wife so whipped that the other day I had her crawling towards me on her hands and knees."
Both of the other men were very impressed and asked him how he had managed that.
The man replied, "Well, I was lying under the bed and she crawled over and said, "Come out and fight like a man!".
more
bar and orders
A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the can. He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!". After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!" more
BEER TROUBLESHOOTING
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward
ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house
training.
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of
face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and
textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal
limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.
SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.
SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was
them.
SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room
you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.
SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.
SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar. more
And God created man
God did not forget that man was an animal but this dude think that God was mistaken. Or was he confused by the color of the animal because it is black. more
My drunk text for yesterday
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date. You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I keep looking at it cause I can't figure out whether its a vagina or a donut....
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever. . . .
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm. more
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I keep looking at it cause I can't figure out whether its a vagina or a donut....
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever. . . .
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm. more
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
kiwi ni muhimu
hebu jitokeze jionyeshe bele ya watu mng'aro wa kiwi
mtu wangu hii ni model ipi?
"hii ni air force na hua naivaa sunday peke yake coz ni sunday best hata infact neighbour hua anaikoboa akienda tour n for security purposes wen i wash it, it has to dry wen am there isisanywe" more
mtu wangu hii ni model ipi?
"hii ni air force na hua naivaa sunday peke yake coz ni sunday best hata infact neighbour hua anaikoboa akienda tour n for security purposes wen i wash it, it has to dry wen am there isisanywe" more
-- what is love ? --
Are your palms sweaty, is your heart racing and is your voice caught within your chest?? -it isn`t love, it`s like. You can`t keep your eyes or hands off of them, am I right?? -it isn`t love, it`s lust. Are you proud, and eager to show them off? - it isn`t love, it`s pride. Do you want them because you know they`re there?? -it isn`t love, it`s loneliness. Are you there because it`s what everyone wants?? -it isn`t love, it`s loyalty. Are you there because they kissed you, or held your hand?? -it isn`t love, it`s low confidence. Do you stay for their confessions of love, because you don`t want to hurt them?? -it isn`t love, it`s pity. Do you belong to them because their sight makes your heart skip a beat?? -it isn`t love, it`s infatuation. Do you pardon their faults because you care about them?? -it isn`t love, it`s friendship. Do you tell them every day that they are the only one you think of?? -it isn`t love, it`s a lie. Are you willing to give all of your favorite things for their sake?? -it isn`t love, it`s charity. Does your heart ache and break when they`re sad?? -then it`s l o v e. Do you cry for their pain, even when they`re strong?? -then it`s l o v e. Do their eyes see your true heart, and touch your soul so deeply it hurts?? -then it`s l o v e. Do you stay because a blinding, incomprehensible mix of pain and relation pulls you close and holds you there?? -then it`s l o v e. Do you accept their faults because they`re a part of who they are?? -then it`s l o v e. Are you attracted to others, but stay with them faithfully without regret?? -then it`s l o v e. Would you give them your heart, your life, your death?? more
WHAT IS LOVE?
Love is a slow WHAT IS LOVE? kiss goodnight, It's anticipation.
Love is flirting ourtageously and still remembering that the person at your side is not obligated to do anything, It's respect.
Love is an imperfection in your self not bothering you, it's acceptance.
Love is passing up an opportunity because the time isn't right yet, It's patience.
Love is a back massage that starts above the hairline and ends around the insoles, it's exploration.
Love doesn not have to say, "lets make love," because you know what the other person wants, it understands.
Love is being given an honest chance to say no when you thought you were committed, it's consideration.
Love is both of you remembering protection, it's responsibility.
Love is saying the perfect phrase to make a solemn embrace dissolve into giggles, it's humor.
Love is being told "stop and i'll kill you." It's desire.
Love is reviewing the damge to your living room and realizing personal effects are strewn in a clockwise pattern from the front door the to bedroom, it's abandonment.
Love is seeing what your love really looks like for the first time, it's truth.
Love is knowing what time it is and not caring, it's joy.
Love is the arms around you tightening their embrace, it's ecstacy.
Love is seeing a new side of a person you thought you knew, it's renewal.
Love is telling a person if you have to leave, you will let them sleep, and being told they would rathr be woken, it's tenderness.
Love is waking up to find the subject of the dream you were having asleep on your shoulder, it's where fantasy meets reality.
Love is being there to wake your lover slowly, it's sensuousness.
Love belatedly knows why you bothered to buy a queen-sized bed three years ago, it's practicality.
Love is two people only taking up a third of a queen-sized bed, it's closeness.
Love knows you gave the extra set of keys to your apartment to the right person, its trust.
Love is saying good-bye and knowing you will be back by mutual consent, its faith.
Love is stretching your arms and discovering the real meaning of the word "sore" it's a lesson in human frailty.
Love is opening your medicine cabinet finding your tube of toothpaste turned into a prezel, it's adaptation.
Love is sitting at the window, looking out and remembering who you were with the night before, it's reflection.
Love is hearing the weather forecast for a winter storm and wishing you could spend it in bed with your lover, it's loneliness.
Love is stories that will never be told, it's personal. more
Love is flirting ourtageously and still remembering that the person at your side is not obligated to do anything, It's respect.
Love is an imperfection in your self not bothering you, it's acceptance.
Love is passing up an opportunity because the time isn't right yet, It's patience.
Love is a back massage that starts above the hairline and ends around the insoles, it's exploration.
Love doesn not have to say, "lets make love," because you know what the other person wants, it understands.
Love is being given an honest chance to say no when you thought you were committed, it's consideration.
Love is both of you remembering protection, it's responsibility.
Love is saying the perfect phrase to make a solemn embrace dissolve into giggles, it's humor.
Love is being told "stop and i'll kill you." It's desire.
Love is reviewing the damge to your living room and realizing personal effects are strewn in a clockwise pattern from the front door the to bedroom, it's abandonment.
Love is seeing what your love really looks like for the first time, it's truth.
Love is knowing what time it is and not caring, it's joy.
Love is the arms around you tightening their embrace, it's ecstacy.
Love is seeing a new side of a person you thought you knew, it's renewal.
Love is telling a person if you have to leave, you will let them sleep, and being told they would rathr be woken, it's tenderness.
Love is waking up to find the subject of the dream you were having asleep on your shoulder, it's where fantasy meets reality.
Love is being there to wake your lover slowly, it's sensuousness.
Love belatedly knows why you bothered to buy a queen-sized bed three years ago, it's practicality.
Love is two people only taking up a third of a queen-sized bed, it's closeness.
Love knows you gave the extra set of keys to your apartment to the right person, its trust.
Love is saying good-bye and knowing you will be back by mutual consent, its faith.
Love is stretching your arms and discovering the real meaning of the word "sore" it's a lesson in human frailty.
Love is opening your medicine cabinet finding your tube of toothpaste turned into a prezel, it's adaptation.
Love is sitting at the window, looking out and remembering who you were with the night before, it's reflection.
Love is hearing the weather forecast for a winter storm and wishing you could spend it in bed with your lover, it's loneliness.
Love is stories that will never be told, it's personal. more
Commercial law
“Weiler’s Law”
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn’t have to do it himself.
“Law of Probable Dispersal”
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
“Law of Volunteer Labor”
People are always available for work in the past tense.
“Conway’s Law”
In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.
“Iron Law of Distribution”
Them that has, gets.
“Law of Cybernetic Entomology”
There is always one more bug. more
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn’t have to do it himself.
“Law of Probable Dispersal”
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
“Law of Volunteer Labor”
People are always available for work in the past tense.
“Conway’s Law”
In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.
“Iron Law of Distribution”
Them that has, gets.
“Law of Cybernetic Entomology”
There is always one more bug. more
A farmer and his wife
A farmer and his wife were lying
in bed one evening; she was
knitting, and he was reading the
latest issue of Animal Husbandry.
He looked up from the page and
said to her, "Did you know that
humans are the only species in
which the female achieves
orgasm?" She looked at him
wistfully, smiled, and replied, "Oh,
yeah? Prove it." He frowned for a
moment, then said, "Okay." He
got up and walked out, leaving his
wife with a confused look on her
face. About a half hour later, he
returned all tired and sweaty and
proclaimed, "Well, I'm sure the
cow and sheep didn't, but the
way that pig is always squealing,
how can I tell?" more
Monday, January 25, 2010
Are you single
A woman walks into a supermarket and buys:
1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube of toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 single serving of cereal
1 single serving frozen dinner
1 can of Soup For One
1 16oz can of Miller Lite
The guy at the checkout looks at her and says, "Single, are you?"
The woman smiles sweetly and replies, "How did you guess?"
He replies, "Because you're ugly."
1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube of toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 single serving of cereal
1 single serving frozen dinner
1 can of Soup For One
1 16oz can of Miller Lite
The guy at the checkout looks at her and says, "Single, are you?"
The woman smiles sweetly and replies, "How did you guess?"
He replies, "Because you're ugly."
Why did the chicken cross the road?
BARACK OBAMA:
The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE!
JOHN McCAIN:
My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road!
HILLARY CLINTON:
When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure -- right from Day One! -- that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.......
DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.
OPRAH:
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
COLIN POWELL:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...
ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
NANCY GRACE:
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART:
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die in the rain. Alone.
BARBARA WALTERS:
Isn't that interwesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, forw the firwst time, the heart warming storwy of how it experienced a serwious case of mowlting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dweam of cwossing the woad.
ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road. Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of the Chicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@*&^(C% .........reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!
The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE!
JOHN McCAIN:
My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road!
HILLARY CLINTON:
When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure -- right from Day One! -- that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.......
DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.
OPRAH:
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
COLIN POWELL:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...
ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
NANCY GRACE:
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART:
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die in the rain. Alone.
BARBARA WALTERS:
Isn't that interwesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, forw the firwst time, the heart warming storwy of how it experienced a serwious case of mowlting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dweam of cwossing the woad.
ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road. Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of the Chicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@*&^(C% .........reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!
His Perfect Day..
0600 Alarm.
0615 Blow job.
0630 Massive satisfying dump while reading the sports section.
0700 Breakfast - rump steak and eggs, coffee and toast, all cooked by naked, buxom wench.
0730 Limo arrives.
0745 Several whiskeys en-route to airport.
0815 Flight in personal Lear jet.
0930 Limo to St. Andrews (blow job en-route).
0945 Play front nine (2 under).
1145 Lunch - pie, chips and gravy. 3 lagers & bottle of Dom Perignon.
1215 Blow job
1230 Play back nine (4 under).
1415 Limo back to airport (several whiskeys).
1430 Fly to Monte Carlo.
1600 Late afternoon fishing with female crew (all nude).
1630 Land world record Marlin (1245lbs) - on light tackle.
1700 Fly home - massage and hand job by naked Elle McPherson.
1845 Shit, shower and shave.
1900 Watch news - Michael Jackson murdered, marijuana and porn legalized.
1930 Dinner - lobster appetizers, Dom Perignon
1953, big juicy fillet steak, followed by ice cream served on a pair of tits.
2100 Napoleon brandy and Cuban cigar in front of wall sized TV as you watch the superbowl.
2130 Sex with 3 women (all with lesbian tendencies).
2300 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and cleansing ale.
2330 Final blow job.
2345 In bed alone.
2350 A 12 second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room.
2351 Laugh self to sleep.
0615 Blow job.
0630 Massive satisfying dump while reading the sports section.
0700 Breakfast - rump steak and eggs, coffee and toast, all cooked by naked, buxom wench.
0730 Limo arrives.
0745 Several whiskeys en-route to airport.
0815 Flight in personal Lear jet.
0930 Limo to St. Andrews (blow job en-route).
0945 Play front nine (2 under).
1145 Lunch - pie, chips and gravy. 3 lagers & bottle of Dom Perignon.
1215 Blow job
1230 Play back nine (4 under).
1415 Limo back to airport (several whiskeys).
1430 Fly to Monte Carlo.
1600 Late afternoon fishing with female crew (all nude).
1630 Land world record Marlin (1245lbs) - on light tackle.
1700 Fly home - massage and hand job by naked Elle McPherson.
1845 Shit, shower and shave.
1900 Watch news - Michael Jackson murdered, marijuana and porn legalized.
1930 Dinner - lobster appetizers, Dom Perignon
1953, big juicy fillet steak, followed by ice cream served on a pair of tits.
2100 Napoleon brandy and Cuban cigar in front of wall sized TV as you watch the superbowl.
2130 Sex with 3 women (all with lesbian tendencies).
2300 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and cleansing ale.
2330 Final blow job.
2345 In bed alone.
2350 A 12 second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room.
2351 Laugh self to sleep.
Her Perfect Day...
0815 Wake up to hugs and kisses.
0830 Weigh in 2kg lighter than yesterday.
0845 Breakfast in bed - freshly squeezed orange juice and
0915 Soothing hot bath with frangipani oil.
1000 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer.
1030 Facial, manicure, shampoo, condition, blow dry. 1200 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor cafe.
1245 Catch sight of husband/boyfriend's ex and notice she has gained 7kg
1300 Shopping with friends - unlimited credit.
1500 Nap.
1600 3 dozen roses delivered by florist, card from a secret admirer.
1615 Light workout at club, followed by massage from strong but gentle hunk who says he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body.
1730 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe, parade before full length mirror.
1930 Candle lit dinner for two followed by dancing with compliments received from other diners/guests.
2200 Hot shower (alone).
2240 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling.
2315 Fall asleep in his big strong arms.
Two Men and Two Fish, actually.
"Two men were in a restaurant and ordered fish. The waiter brought a dish with
two fish, one larger than the other. One of the men said to the other, "Please
help yourself." The other one said "Okay", and helped himself to the larger
fish.After a tense silence, the first one said, "really, now, if you had offered
me the first choice, I would have taken the smaller fish!" The other one
replied,"What are you complaining for; you have it, don't you?"
two fish, one larger than the other. One of the men said to the other, "Please
help yourself." The other one said "Okay", and helped himself to the larger
fish.After a tense silence, the first one said, "really, now, if you had offered
me the first choice, I would have taken the smaller fish!" The other one
replied,"What are you complaining for; you have it, don't you?"
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Life is Backwards
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. Life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death.
What’s that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home.
You get kicked out when you’re too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work.
You work forty years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school.
You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, spend your last nine months floating…then finish off as an orgasm.
At a Cafeteria
It was afternoon in the crowded cafeteria. The elderly lady sitting at
the counter was obviously upset at the cigarette smoke of the young
woman beside her. Finally the older woman could take it no longer. She turned to the girl and bellowed with a loud voice “Young lady, I would rather commit adultery than smoke!”
woman beside her. Finally the older woman could take it no longer. She turned to the girl and bellowed with a loud voice “Young lady, I would rather commit adultery than smoke!”
“So would I,” sighed the girl, “but you know, there just isn’t time
enough during a coffee break….” more
enough during a coffee break….” more
romeo & juliet for the new century
--------------------- Act 1 -----------------------
Login:
Romeo : R u awake? Want 2 chat?
Juliet: O Rom. Where4 art thou?
Romeo: Outside yr window.
Juliet: Stalker!
Romeo: Had 2 come. feeling jiggy.
Juliet: B careful. My family h8 u.
Romeo: Tell me about it. What about u?
Juliet: 'm up for marriage f u are.. Is tht a bit fwd?
Romeo: No. Yes. No. Oh, dsnt mat-r, 2moro @ 9?
Juliet: Luv U xxxx
Romeo: CU then xxxx
--------------------- Act 2 -----------------------
Friar: Do u?
Juliet: I do
Romeo: I do
--------------------- Act 3 -----------------------
Juliet: Come bck 2 bed. It's the nightingale not the lark.
Romeo: OK
Juliet: !!! I ws wrong !!!. It's the lark. U gotta go. Or die.
Romeo: Damn. I shouldn't hv wasted Tybalt & gt banished.
Juliet: When CU again?
Romeo: Soon. Promise. Dry sorrow drinks our blood. Adieu.
Juliet: Miss u big time.
--------------------- Act 4 -----------------------
Nurse: Yr mum says u have 2 marry Paris!!
Juliet: No way. Yuk yuk yuk. n-e-way, am mard 2 Rom.
--------------------- Act 5 -----------------------
Friar: Really? O no. U wl have 2 take potion that makes u look ded.
Juliet: Gr8.
--------------------- Act 6 -----------------------
Romeo: J-why r u not returning my texts?
Romeo: RUOK? Am abroad but phone still works.
Romeo: TEXT ME!
Batty: Bad news. J dead. Sorry m8.
--------------------- Act 7 -----------------------
Romeo: J-wish u wr able 2 read this...am now poisoning & and climbing
in yr grave. LUV U Ju xxxx
--------------------- Act 8 -----------------------
Juliet: R-got yr text! Am alive! Ws faking it! Whr RU? Oh...
Friar: Vry bad situation.
Juliet: Nightmare. LUVU2. Always. Dagger.
Ow!!!
Logout.......! more
Login:
Romeo : R u awake? Want 2 chat?
Juliet: O Rom. Where4 art thou?
Romeo: Outside yr window.
Juliet: Stalker!
Romeo: Had 2 come. feeling jiggy.
Juliet: B careful. My family h8 u.
Romeo: Tell me about it. What about u?
Juliet: 'm up for marriage f u are.. Is tht a bit fwd?
Romeo: No. Yes. No. Oh, dsnt mat-r, 2moro @ 9?
Juliet: Luv U xxxx
Romeo: CU then xxxx
--------------------- Act 2 -----------------------
Friar: Do u?
Juliet: I do
Romeo: I do
--------------------- Act 3 -----------------------
Juliet: Come bck 2 bed. It's the nightingale not the lark.
Romeo: OK
Juliet: !!! I ws wrong !!!. It's the lark. U gotta go. Or die.
Romeo: Damn. I shouldn't hv wasted Tybalt & gt banished.
Juliet: When CU again?
Romeo: Soon. Promise. Dry sorrow drinks our blood. Adieu.
Juliet: Miss u big time.
--------------------- Act 4 -----------------------
Nurse: Yr mum says u have 2 marry Paris!!
Juliet: No way. Yuk yuk yuk. n-e-way, am mard 2 Rom.
--------------------- Act 5 -----------------------
Friar: Really? O no. U wl have 2 take potion that makes u look ded.
Juliet: Gr8.
--------------------- Act 6 -----------------------
Romeo: J-why r u not returning my texts?
Romeo: RUOK? Am abroad but phone still works.
Romeo: TEXT ME!
Batty: Bad news. J dead. Sorry m8.
--------------------- Act 7 -----------------------
Romeo: J-wish u wr able 2 read this...am now poisoning & and climbing
in yr grave. LUV U Ju xxxx
--------------------- Act 8 -----------------------
Juliet: R-got yr text! Am alive! Ws faking it! Whr RU? Oh...
Friar: Vry bad situation.
Juliet: Nightmare. LUVU2. Always. Dagger.
Ow!!!
Logout.......! more
Funny ranchers bull
A rancher needs a bull to service his cows
A rancher needs a bull to service his cows but needs to borrow the money from the bank. The banker who lent the money comes by a week later to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and wont even look at the cows. The banker suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull.
The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks very pleased “The bull has serviced all my cows, broke through the fence, and has serviced all my neighbor’s cows.”
“Wow,” says the banker, “what did the vet do to that bull?”
“Just gave him some pills,” replied the farmer.
“What kind of pills?” asked the banker.
“I don’t know,” says the farmer, “but they sort of taste like peppermint.”
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